The Secret Life of Day Dreams

And these Kansas winds make tumble weeds of us all...

2008-09-14T21:30:00.000-07:00

From Manhattan, KS to Oklahoma apartment #1 to Oklahoma apartment #2 back to Manhattan, KS to Lenexa, KS and so on (I'm even considering torturing Carrie and Mark as the third-wheel roommate in Olathe, KS)... I never seem to settle in one "home" for too long. Thus, I'm hopping from blog to blog yet again. Even though most of my past friends still linger there, I don't feel like unlocking my Xanga and re-releasing my record of teenage angst lol Blogger seems empty of and disconnected from many of my friends. Thus the only major option that still remains is LIVEJOURNAL! See you there... but don't worry, I always return... 'tis just the habitual migration of the leezle!

And I turn the page...

2008-07-27T21:56:00.000-07:00

Afraid to fly...
If I fly across an ocean... will there we a place on the sands of a unfamiliar beach for me to rest weary wings and an even more exhausted soul... or will I be left to circle until I am too tired to fly home... and let the waves wash me wherever?

Afraid to open...
When the windows became too dirty to see the dream that once shown through, I closed the shutters... blanketed them with heavy drapes... and silenced the birds outside that once sang my soul. These windows are new now... but what views do they possess if I tear aside the fortitude of my cloth rampart?

My visions in the night are still the same... why have my movements change? My dance steps are slower and more careful... lest I step on the thorns of the roses with which life has blessed me. But the dreams are rapid like a river... and soft and sweet as the clear water in them... my wild spirit still lives there like a bright orange flower tumbling down the rippling spring. I will find this spirit again when it pauses in the shallow pools near the castle columns of horsetail long enough for a tender hand to clasp it.

I was so ready to fly not so long ago... but now that the cage door is unlatched, I cannot seem to find my wings.

I miss the world I love... I think I will find my place in it soon... I'll have a place to rest my wings. But is it here... or there? I toss a stone in the stream... and the rings of waves carry me to...

*smiles*

Shhhh.... it's a secret. ;)

And in the margins...

2008-07-14T19:32:00.000-07:00

Silence is the liquor with which to quench a broken heart. Yet, the heart is not broken by some sentimental romance but by the cruelty of life's acrid milieu. A poisonous wave that laps at the delicate morphology of the shores of one's aspirations and polishes the definitive textures of its stones to a placid yet vapid uniformity. And the stones of one's heart shift with wrenching indignity but never finding courage or perhaps the compelling reason (as though moving mountains could calm a sinister sea) to rift and rumble with the suppressed forces of spirit. They entomb themselves in the silence and let the opiating emptiness of such an entity ameliorate the burn of haggard existence. I imbibe the listless silence just as I breath the very air, until my heart is as faded as the ambient hues strangled by overcast skies in a life where there is no sun and yet one has forgotten what it is to rain.

(6/20/2008)

And an old light once thought lost is re-lit...

2008-05-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Maybe its a sign. But I finally feel like I'm learning...

Life is a series of births and deaths
it cycles like the seasons
only the winters are much longer
And seem to grow colder with turn of the year
Until you seem too haggard to push out new leaves again
unclenching your roots from the soil
you lay back unto the earth with an emancipated sigh

I am ready for another cycle though. Leezles are restless wanderers... that follow the migration of sunflowers. It's a little known fact that sunflowers like to holiday in exotic ports of call disguised as cute guys. hahaha But as I finish this chapter of my life, I can't help but feel disappointed with its conclusion. After all... good to begin well... better to end well. But I never do anything in quite the right order. lol Perhaps its not a bad ending... just a quiet one. Yet the world doesn't remember quiet harmonies... its the melody that perpetuates in their thoughts and voices. I just need another spring... a new beginning.. an excuse to be ridiculous. lol Although, I never needed an excuse before... hahaha. Perhaps I'll feel better if I put things on my head... and forget to remove them before I go take my final exams. *giggles*

At least buying things on German eBay made me feel better for a while. hehehe Although, it's no fun bidding in Euros because you know with each bid you make, the dollar is getting less and less valuable. lol After a while you have to concede to people who have a stronger currency. *uber pouts* DAMN YOOOOU, EXCHANGE RATE!!!! Also, I can't really understand all the German... so who knows what I just bought. *giggles* Which eBay country shall I shop next? DON'T JUDGE ME! This is the closest I'll ever get to being a tourist in another part of the world!!! :P

I reeeeeally want to write a song... but I haven't studied all day... so my creativity will just have to procrastinate as is tradition! That was random! Back to my other stream of random thought...

I just want to know how I became so antisocial... Leezles are never afraid! Why should I be afraid now?!?! Now, where did I leave my self-confidence?!?! *searches in the couch cushions* Oooo, a quarter! Now I can go back to German ebay and bid again! lmao It's strange, however... even though the world seems so terrible at times, I never struggle with loving every inch of it... or centimeter hehehe. The greatest difficulty I face in life is finding the theories to the logical proof that would make it possible for me to love myself. I AM Fermat's Last Theorem! lol Oh goodness! Does this mean Andrew Wiles must teach me to loooooooove? *wink wink... gigglies* Also, I get a gold star in nerdiness for this dated mathematical reference! Thank you, Math Club!

Anyway, its really late and I have to STUDY! My first final exam is tomorrow... and my last final exam (literally the last final... THE ULTIMATE FINAL... THE APOCALYPTI-FINAL!!! THE FINAL TO END ALL FINAL EXAMS AND GET ME AN IMPORTANT SHINY PIECE OF PAPER!) is on Thursday night... three days from this present moment.

I really hope I can make a comeback in the existing world. Remember me? I'm that girl that licked you, then hugged you, then pretended to be a squirrel and stole all your shiny things... doesn't sound familiar? How about when I threatened to take your organs and you subdued me with candy? Or when I drew a picture of you while you slept.... or drew a picture ON you while you slept... You have to remember me!!!?!?!

And lastly, this my formal apology for killing my facebook children with neglect... sadly, if I knew you weren't made only of pixels, I would have saved you. Although, wouldn't it be terrible if facebook actually did make a real child for every facebook child and then..... O.O OH GOD, I'M GOING TO HELL!

Lurve you all... puppy ciao! - The Leezle

And if... what then...

2008-04-13T20:43:00.000-07:00

I can't keep up with this life's pace. I am unable to push myself to work but yet I still manage to push myself over the edge in my mind... My potential is never kinetic when, in my mind, my entire life is uphill.

Intellectual prophets fall to their knees
everyone is prone to this life's disease
when greatness is lost to a greater pain
But withering old dreams lost to life's cold
leave hopeful branches, sprouting new dreams to hold.
One can learn to make greatness again...
from their own suffering.

It's a quiet defeat few can understand.
My heart is in permanent diapause for a spring that will never arrive... prisons of snow desiccate it beyond renewal. Freedom is in 34 days... but its like 34 days without water and sunlight. I've never been a hardy tree... just a ragged seedling destined to perish a day before the first rain. Even if I make it to that rain, another drought is sure to come.

I'll finally get to exhale after Tuesday... and then I'll start to hold my breath again for the Tuesday of the 29th. I should write a song called "After Tuesday" I haven't written a good song in about two years. I did write a mediocre one last semester... or maybe it was this semester...

This feeling is existential
This feeling of no potential
In the quiet of life where do we belong
In the shadow of a world that hears no song

The world grows without ever listening
Or caring that we're here just existing

(Sorry for being more whiny... maybe it was too soon to come back to my blog. Its been a rough time. I got some text messages from people that brewed some major negativity, renewed some old self-loathing, and invoked overall doom in my life... not to mentioned renewed my belief that I should never love or befriend. Also, my grandma had a heart attack and familial tensions arise. Lastly, I've been unable to concentrate on studying for yet another Physics exam... shortly after another veg crop paper and another human dimensions of horticulture exam and another physics exam and a veg crop final project and paper. I feel like every time I come up for air something pushes me back under. But I bought my graduation robes. Let's just hope I get to use them. I also got to see the sun briefly for the first time in days... and it was just as wonderful as I remember. I miss my friends, I miss the outdoors, and I miss life being uncomplicated. I miss liking myself and thus being able to like others. I miss being able to make people smile... but now I can't even smile. I just keep telling myself that there is an end to this and it will be worth it to make it to that end so I can be with my friends again, both pretend and real, both hominid and horticultural, both flora and fauna! For now I'll live vicariously through my facebook babies.

[[[I cut the section about tornado dreams because it was long, weird, and silly. But I saved it in a private post for a rainy day... or a stormy day for that matter. So if ya wanna read it, I'll magically make it re-appear with my blog powers. lol]]]

Anyway, enough of my 101 tornado dreams. I could analyze my dreams endlessly. In fact, I frequently have very interesting, insightful ones... the tornado dreams are not that interesting, just crazy. lol I have Physics homework and Physics studying to do... Bye Blog! Thanks for letting me talk.)

And maybe I'm just too sentimental.

2008-04-09T19:34:00.000-07:00

I feel kind of bad right now... maybe I AM a whiny meanie-pants! SpongeLeezle WhinyMeaniePants! LOL, I need to draw that. It's just that everything I do is practically meaningless and upon entering the research field, much of what I will do will be meaningless as well. I greatly value both writing and reading since they are two things in which I take great pleasure... but I feel like I'm trapped in Plato's cave writing novels of shadows and not of the world I know exists behind me. And certainly, one cannot accurately define something with written word without having lived it... yet everyday I'm asked to do just that. Writing should only exist to preserve action, not precede it. Afterall, Burbank, Fairchild, and Maathai do not describe their publications and academic prowess in their bibliographies... rather, they described seeing and experiencing the wonders of life first-handedly. Writing papers does not make one great... it is the greatness that one achieves that inspires one to write.

The dilemma. Sentimentality. I weave attachments to everything. The boy in the library... without a spoken word, he became a significant definition to my early college life... a source of inspiration. A vast network of individuals who I have not even physically met or with which I have not shared a single vocalization are distinct facets to my self translation. And single plants hold likewise positions of gravity in my spirit. So of course, the land would be held at no less of a reverent status since my sentimentality does not discriminate according to manifestation. My grandma has concluded to sell the family land... and trying to understand her logic, perhaps she would like the dynasty to end with her... or perhaps she acquires less value from possessing it as she would from offering it up to the corporate wolves of the agriculture industry. Over two hundred years of sentimentality... to be bartered for momentary monetary increase. And my mother cringes at the circumstances of the Midwest... how it was forcibly taken from the Native Americans... only to lie mostly unwanted, unused, and vacant... or it is thoroughly exploited until it has no use, passed from owner to owner like an unacceptable orphan.

My father wants to purchase a small piece of the land... yet it is no different than buying a second home... and we have yet to pay off our first house. He has dreams of employing my horticultural knowledge for some recreation of "A Walk In The Clouds." After all, it'd be nice if someone in Kansas produced a wine that didn't taste like fruit punch or kool-aid. lol It's good land. There's an active spring on it and in rural Kansas, having water is almost as valuable as having oil. But my last ties to Kansas will most likely be sold... and I will most likely leave here and return infrequently. Although, as I joke with my sister, I'll probably name one of my imaginary future children "Kansas." LOL She likes the name "Shawnee," after Shawnee Mission, KS and the Shawnee Indians. Sadly, I've already discussed this very topic in a Xanga entry. hahaha My gaggle of imaginary children will all have names derived from Kansas locations, scientists, paint colors, and plant names. I have to include all my passions, after all! Anyway, I suppose this is goodbye to Kansas... like the moment when two friends realize they have grown apart and must rend. And I wonder now, is it the land who is orphaned, or is it I?

Anyway, I have yet another Vegetable Crops paper to write for tomorrow, another quiz tomorrow, and the dreaded Physics exam of next week for which to study. Thank you my pathetic little blog for affording me the opportunity to continue my reign as SpongeLeezle WhinyMeaniePants!

Dodadagohvi!,
The Leezle

And I truly ramble like a tumbleweed tumbles ^_^

2008-04-08T21:44:00.000-07:00

This is something I've been meaning to do for a long time.... blog, I mean. *le sigh* But now that I am actually here, I don't know what to say. I've privatized all my Xangas because the government is currently doing a background check for my employer and I'm paranoid that the smallest, most insignificant statement made in my many years of pontification on Xanga could cause disreputable harm to my record. I don't think I've made too many errors in judgment on blogger yet, however. lol Thus, it still persists!

Most of the world has heard very little from me this semester due to excessive busy-work in Vegetable Crop Production and greatly due to the number and severity of Physics exams. Currently, I am still surviving Physics although at great expense to my health as I now have a stomach ulcer and high blood pressure. What a fabulous way to end my college education!... especially since I'll have no health insurance after graduating! lol I just had a Physics exam last week and I have yet another for which I'm unprepared at the start of next week. This semester has truly had nothing to do with education and everything to do with developing strength to endure extreme psychological abuse... I'm sure its difficult to understand how a Physics course could be abusive but believe me, it is. Alright, I'll quit complaining about school for now. :P Sorry, I just needed some cathartic blogging. hehe

I also got the insane idea that it would be good for me to go camping with people from the Student Farm Club after developing some strong antisocial tendencies again this semester. It was not... lol I just don't think I had the energy for that much social interaction since I've been so drained from studying. I need a good break from an academic life before I can yet again pursue a social one especially since I can never seem to find a balance between the two. I was, yet again, accused of being extremely selfish or self absorbed for not answering my cell phone when I'm busy studying. These accusations don't really mean much to me since I'm consistently told that I'm a bad person or not a good enough person... especially when I'm trying my hardest to be a better person (like going on a camping trip for instance when I clearly need to be studying). People will likely never be pleased with me, and I will likely never be pleased with myself so I really don't have much motivating me, now do I! lol My mother suggested that I just needed to find people with the same value in education, learning, science, etc. that I have in order for them to understand... and she also added that I probably won't find such people in America. hahaha (She's a professor so I think this statement comes from her frustration with her students... lol) But I did like camping and I do miss being social!

Sorry, I sound awfully bitter. Please understand that its just the insanity of being a short distance away from graduating. And as predicted, its the most difficult distance I'll ever have to travel. After all, I can never seem to finish the last few pencil marks of a drawing for fear of ruining what I've already accomplished... the same idea applies to all aspects of my life. Wow, this entry is much more negative than I expected *delete delete delete* <-- that's me erasing the next whiny paragraph for your sake. hahahaha (Especially since it was the dreaded "relationship" paragraph... *shudders* lol)

Let's end on something positive... I've been drawing again! Oh my goodness, I forgot how wonderful it is! It's like falling in love again after being alone for what seemed like an eternity. I would definitely molest my sketchbook if that wouldn't make me certifiably insane! ghehehehe Plus I have all these ideas for paintings buzzing around in my head and I want so badly to toss my physics book out the window and abscond with my easel to an undisclosed location for many many nights of brush-on-canvas love-making! *sexy growls* I remember when I was younger how oil painting was easier than writing for me. There is so little time to life, with so many obstacles and requisites, that it seems a race one cannot win. Plus I'm a pretty slow runner. lol Granted I may not be a great artist or even a good one but that makes me no less passionate. Oh noes, I actually referred to myself as an "artist"... someone call the art police! I mean... uh... I'm a doodler! I'm not the least bit pretentious, I swear! hahaha

Also, I've been reading and over-analyzing "The World Was My Garden" again. *super sigh* I would give a vital organ to live a life like David Fairchild's... preferably a kidney since I have a surplus lol I want to read Luther Burbank's biography but I don't think I'll ever find the time plus its probably less relevant since it's not about a K-State graduate. I also want to read Wangaari Maathai's book "Unbowed." (In case you haven't noticed, I've been living in the basement of the Hale Library stacks where they keep all the horticulture/agriculture books and biography's lol)

Speaking of reading, I need to get back to studying for my Human Dimensions of Horticulture exam tomorrow. lol, oops!

And K-State should be blamed for deforestation...

2007-09-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

Hello, blog, old friend. Blog, I hope your not planning to leave me for some younger and sexier writer.... just remember who has your password! ME! And also Mike, because I use the same password for everything and he knows my facebook password... lol

"Blog" makes me think of "bog" and bogs make me think of peat and peat makes me think of working in the greenhouse and laying in big piles of warm, damp, squishy, musty-smelling peat... like a peat angel on a peat cloud... with wings of sphagnum! Mmmmmmm peeeeeeeeat! Let's move to Canada!

Anyway, there is too much to write because I've been so busy... too busy to write it. I'm almost done with college and so the remaining coursework happens to be the stupidest coursework.... which is why I have put it off until the very end. lol There is an abnormal amount of busywork this semester. I'm averaging about 5 papers and 150 pages of reading a week. I've already used up an entire ink cartridge and ream of paper! *sigh* I should be doing my biochem lab report right now but I left my data notebook in the locked laboratory. I blame my lab partner who spent the majority of our last experiment watching movies on youtube and distracting me. In our protein-salting-out experiment he put so much salt in the solution that it was no longer a solution but rather a solid. lol I filtered it twice and still couldn't get all the salt out... we ended up having less than a milliliter of solution to test. I guess we all can't have great lab partners like Ben and Sven... hahaha.

*uber sigh* I was so hoping to reconnect with friends... both real and imaginary... this semester but there is no rest for the weary. I need to set aside an evening to just respond to facebook messages and comments. Until then, here is the leezle's official "I OWE YOU!" Feel free to print one off every time I ignore you. lol You can redeem them when I graduate. hahahaha

I had to use the ghetto webcam to photograph it since I left my other cam's usb cable at my parent's house again. I was going to post pics of a bunch of silly doodles I did in class but alas, they are trapped on my cam... so you will just have to wait in endless anticipation and be underwhelmed when I final post them. lol

Besides homework, I've spent my every weekend powwowing... and for once in my life I don't feel like powwowing more. My jingle dress also really needs to be cleaned. :P I was supposed to have a tie-dying party last Sunday but no one ever contacted me so it didn't happen... lol, my pathetic attempts at existence are always more theory than reality. Bah, the less time I spend with people the more I dehumanize myself. I begin to think of humans as something different from me. I wonder what that makes me? I hope I'm a something cool like a dragon... but then I probably couldn't go to the renaissance festival because all the SCA enthusiasts will try to slay me. *pout*

Other than homework and powwowing, I've spent my time sleeping... lol I went to the doctor a few weeks ago in hopes to correct one chronic problem and yet I ended up contracting another... plus I wasted $150 on pointless blood tests that revealed nothing.... not to mention, I wasted blood too. lol I suppose they could have given my blood back after the lab was done with it. hahahaha Anyway, the point is I got a nasty cold from the yucky student health facility and I haven't been able to recover from it. Attendance is required in all my classes since my grade is based upon participation... so I've had to go to class every day even when my brain was leaking out my nose and I had a fever. Yay, I'm an outbreak monkey! *looks at her List of Goals to Complete in Life.... crosses out "starting an epidemic"* I need a just one day of complete relaxation to recover... or I could just get a better immune system. I wonder if I can buy one from ebay? hahaha Afterall, I did get all my fabulous kidneys from ebay!... and from people who owed me money... but mostly ebay. muahahahahaha

That's all for now. Meh, these updates are always so long.

And the silence continues...

2007-09-05T21:56:00.000-07:00

Crickets chirp from dark and dirty corners...

Where did she go?

In the stagnant night, the rattle of a keyboard and rustle of fervent page-turning can be heard.

When, if ever, will she ~~have~~ take a chance to exist?

And now what?

2007-08-29T14:42:00.000-07:00

I am the world's worst accident...

And sometimes the feeling of emptiness leaves you to worry...

2007-08-27T23:02:00.001-07:00

... even though emptiness has no feeling at all

Sorry, I don't particularly mean to be depressing but I'm trying to find some eloquence... some intelligence... that I've put aside in past semesters. I promise I will post something of substance in the near future... such as the story about my new and freakishly huge sketchbook. lol I really need to allocate some time to responding to comments and facebook stuff too. Time has always been faster than I... it must drink more Mountain Dew. lol Sleep is the worst form of procrastination for me right now... lol, actually I just typed "first worm" instead of "worst form" hahaha. Sorry, I've been trying to finish off a bottle of wine from last semester before it sours. Alcohol is my Ritalin sadly enough.... yet somehow I think its less damaging than actual Ritalin. hehe

Anyway, I did dream of snow a few nights ago. I dream of snow frequently... although maybe the air conditioning was set on too low of a temperature again. lol In the dream, I realized I must be dreaming so I woke myself... except what I thought was "awake" was in fact still "dream." I went to the door of my apartment and then to my window to see the snow... except the apartment looked abandoned... the windows and doors had been knocked out and covered with plastic. It seemed so real that I thought I might have been sleep-walking and so when I actually did awake, I checked to see if I had unlocked the door to look out at my dream-snow. lol In the past I have dream-IMed and dream-phonecalled people.... which is why I keep my messenger off more frequently. lol However, the poem is less to do with my dreams of winter and more to do with the silence in my mind... perhaps a product of academic apathy... or my own creation to save me from myself. It has frequently been a topic of much poetic diction.

Cold Thoughts

I dream of snow as my mind lay in winter.
The windows are broken and the drifts wander in.
I am bundled in memory yet what I can remember
Unravels quickly and my cover grows thin.

I can faintly hear the old song my lips sing,
But cannot decipher a single distinct word.
The syllables fall softly like a hollow rain
That soaks the ink of my soul, leaving all writing blurred.

What language remains for my private discourse…
To make lucid the epitaph of my own heart?
Alas I abandoned a smudged soul for silence,
Yet my inaudible hope still strives to impart.

Yet do I need such gravity for a weightless existence?
My old splendor is now static with enduring rime.
Am I as vacant as a milky sky in winter and so distant…
That I can’t feel the ameliorating touch of time?

I stir from my dream yet my mind still lay frozen,
And the sun in my heart still obscured by cold clouds.
Do remembrance’s blankets preserve my waning warmth…
Or are they nothing more now than burial shrouds?

And each day seemed like a year...

2007-08-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

...and each year was wasted away.
So many thoughts sacrificed to false scholars
that I resurrect in my dreams of day.

They proselytized of our self-righteousness
while hypocrisy slithered as a shadow at their feet
They state "do not assume," as they assume we know less
Yet soon all of our minds will be incomplete

They pull free what we know for it to be replaced
And let years of adept thought on cold wind drift away
every feather in my wings is now misplaced
and I'm grounded far from my dreams of day

They erect massive cages of intellect
ornately decorated with academese
And before such golden idols must we genuflect
For its too far to see a sky of dreams on our knees

But our minds leave this temple a ruin in time
though we'll ramble through its rubble until we die
My feathers will settle in the now desolate clime
And I'll learn that first you must fall to fly

Sorry, this poem was spontaneous. I didn't meant for it to take on so many verses. I'm just lost in a bit of anger. It always seems like some of the Horticulture professors leave me hating the educational system. So often They have us endure grand schemes that supposedly force us to learn... assuming we all need forcing... assuming we all failed to develop an ability to think. It always seems like kindergarten. They do not entrust us the task of learning... they feel they must manage our learning for us. Just as many plants may lack uniformity even when one manipulates their environment for perfect growth, so are people's minds. Everyone learns differently. I am very concerned at how this class will progress. I do not respond favorably to micromanagement. :( *sigh* It seems I'm alone in a torture chamber of sorts... I don't know how to proceed anymore... and there's no one here to walk with me.

But on a positive note! lol PICTURES! Thinking of someday completing some art is perhaps a great source of false hope! hehe Here is my Lefty Sexiness Draw-age notebook (LSD Book lol) and the selected pictures I hope to complete... there's a bunch I've just given up on that I did not include in this line-up. meh I'm listing these in sequential order, from oldest to newest.

Cover: Finally I figured out how to make the sketchbook more effective... I flipped it so that it appeals both to my dyslexia but also to my hatred the spiral wire cutting into the side of my hand whilst I draw! There's my signature for anyone who wishes to practice forgery... lol

Scruffy's Dragon: This one has been unfinished for a VERY long time... over a year I gather because I started it when I first moved into my aggieville apartment. My reason for stopping: fear of f*cking up. Pen is permanent... one false move with those tiny stippled dots and it was all in vain!

Hedgehog Armies: This one I've mostly abandoned. It was just something silly... and of course, like the fate all my drawings someday face, it was severely smudged in sketchbook travel. But its nice to fantasize about armies of hedgehogs. lol

Hodadenon (Last one left): Clearly this is from a while ago... note the winter coat. lol A mannerist's tribute to loneliness... but mostly it was a chance to do a little anatomy study and mannerism! Reason for not finishing: I lost interest because I didn't think that what work had been done was good enough to be continued... and the endless shading of the vacant background seemed overwhelming.

Weerwolfje (Werewolf): Another old one. I can even recall working on the wolf in my landscape design class a couple semesters ago. It would have proved to be a nice drawing, I think. Reason for not finishing: I was probably burned out from landscape. I also got nervous about doing all the detailed drawing of the fur. Also I had some concerns on how to blend all the elements together.

The Pirate Queen: This one is pretty old as well. It was something that I began on a whim... sort of as a joke for friends. I didn't get very far either... other ideas popped into my headed that claimed precedence. Reason for stopping: I didn't take this drawing seriously to begin with so I wasn't incredibly empowered to finish it. I was also worried about some of the more difficult detail aspects... such as capturing luminosity in the pearls. Pearls are so f*cking hard to draw sometimes... and yet I always want to draw them.

Jinjyr's Orb: Finally, a newbie! Started at the beginning of last summer! This was an attempt to relive my youth when I loved to do comic book art. I still have my dreams of illustrating my own amateur comic book. Again, its a character from a story of mine. I draw her a lot... mainly because I'm never satisfied. Reason for stopping: *shrug* Don't know. I guess there was some insignificant details that for some unknown reason I found overwhelming... plus I went and started some other stuff, I guess.

Eyes of the Chosen: Another newbie. I was mostly drawing this one so I could do some more Jin (my made up race) stenciling. Drawing swirls is fun! LOL I really had fun with the eyes, too. However, I did have to redraw the right eye several times because do to some visual problems, I always seem to mistakingly draw the right eye lower than the left on portraits. I have another example of this on a painting I did of myself. Reason for stopping: Firstly, I was frustrated with that damned eye. Secondly, I got to draw my swirls so I was already satisfied with that... not much more motivation to continue. Lastly, I was overwhelmed with all the hair detail I was going to have to do.

Owl Eyes: I was really eager to finish this one... but enthusiasm wasn't enough. The background was even going to be in color so it was definitely going to look neat! So I'll just jump right into my reason for stopping: OWL FEATHERS ARE A B*TCH TO DRAW! lol The detail was killing me... and I kept trying to sacrifice detail in other places to make it simpler. Lastly, the lighting doesn't fit together and I don't know how I'm going to blend all the elements... *sigh* I'm just stuck! BLARGH!

That's all I'm posting for now... there are about three more but I'm running late to class. AYEEEE!

Anyway... my 5:30 class went all the way to 7:30... ugh. Now I'm trying to get NASA's display ready for the activities carnival AND I'm trying to figure out this paper for Landscape Maintenance. I drank my first Mountain Dew of the semester today and I'm already praying for rest... its only the third day of the semester. So, I guess I'll post the last three pics... or else they might feel left out lol. My drawings are very sensitive. haha

Lone Wolf: A.k.a. Mattu Lonsifer! Yup, another one of my storybook characters. He's the half-brother o' Jinjyr and the one who gets tortured when I feel the story is getting too boring. Er... lol... sorry Mattu! Generally I draw him more fierce looking but I was going for a more regal look this time. I've been trying to document my characters/story just in case school finally kills me off. *coughs up blood* Ah, the ol' ulcer! Oddly enough, this character is based on a boy with which I was infatuated my freshman year of high school... eight years ago! I love misusing the personas of strangers for my own enjoyment! lol Any way, reason for not finishing: I accidentally smudged it beyond recognition but managed to rescue it (you can still see where I've erased lighter spots). It was heart breaking since I was getting the feeling I'd actually finish this one. Also, all the little beads are... you guessed it... PEARLS! And It's really hard to capture the glow of a pearl... thus I felt overwhelmed. Plus, they have to be pearls... its a cultural thing! :P

Get back to the garden: This one isn't far along at all! I haven't even drawn out all the detail... those are supposed to be flowers in the foreground but all I've done is block them in for now. I spent most of my time trying to get the depth somewhat correct. The face angle and eye focus are all wrong as well. This was a guided drawing... I was told to draw a song from my play list. This is from a line in the song "Woodstock" by Joni Mitchell. Reason for stopping: I have no idea what clothes to give to the poor lass... and I don't want to do another nude. Also, I had other ideas in my head I wanted to get drawn out first.

Luricid: Well what do you know, another character! I really need to drop this stupid unfinished story of mine. I spent most of my time in this drawing getting the face right. I actually had to use a crappy drawing I drew in my planner back in highschool as a reference for how he looked. I had never actually drawn this character anywhere else before. Unlike the Jin with their European features and the Wolves with their native features, Luricid is Atlan, a race which looks more southeast Asian. I'm not used to drawing those kind of faces so it was a bit of a challenge. Reason for stopping: School started! LOL I just began this one a few weeks ago.

Well that's it... at least for this sketch book... I own about 10 sketchbooks. lol However, the LSD Book is my fav so I draw more in it.

Goodnight... I have to go write a paper. blech!

And sometimes I wonder and wander and stray....

2007-08-20T13:17:00.000-07:00

... as my life's but a secret of dreams of the day!

Yay, rhyming... pathetic, but still it's rhyming! lol So my first day is over... mostly... at least the school part of the day. Better than I expected... but I generally expect very little! lol To begin it was freaking hot and my face melted off on the way to class... and let me tell you, it's very embarrassing to walk around campus with your skull exposed... hahaha After I had finished sweating 50% of my 70% liquid composition... the day got better... and dryer! It was entirely biochemistry classes today. The lecture course was okay... the teacher seems nice and fair although his grasp on the English language is a loose one... but to be great is to be misunderstood. In other words, his lack of knowledge of American English implies that he's probably very bright. lol And I particularly liked how no words were ever plural and he referred to the class as "the student" like some super entity! Like VOLTRON! hahahaha I totally hope I'm part of the student-voltron's left arm!

Biochem recitation seemed... er... meh, although an animal science major named Mark came up and started talking to me right away. I always despise the first day because I live off campus and therefore lack the hundreds of dorm or sorority friends that most girls have. Thus no one ever talks to me... especially because of my diseases... lol... just kidding... unless awkwardness is a classified disease. It was nice to have a moment to flex my social skills again since my parents' summer imprisonment always atrophies them. It's just a matter of regaining the confidence that constant parental criticism devours! In terms of the class, I hated the fact that we were covering basic chem concepts like Keq and pH and buffering and titration and molarity.... blah blah blah. If I wanted to take Chem 1 twice I would have... but I suppose its good review. Afterall, its been 3 years since Chem 1... back oh so long ago... when I was taking classes with the dinosaurs. lol

I spent two hours this morning blessing jingles with prayers... I can't get the smell of white sage and sagewort out of my noise. I hope this stuff isn't carcinogenic. A moment of spirituality!... yes, its rare for the Leezle but I do sometimes stray from my devout atheism. lol I just wanted to get jingle sewing done today since I was eager to break my 4 day spiritual fasting... but I was running late for class and didn't manage to get one bite of cereal. *uber pouts* make that 5 days fasting... SOOO HUNGRY! Anyway, I'm trying to adhere to a VERY STRICT schedule so that I don't waste a moment of time... that way I can get art projects done without avoiding friends... and I can hang out with friends and still finish some art.... CRAP, I JUST WASTED TIME REPEATING MYSELF! lol Actually, I haven't followed the schedule too precisely today. This is supposed to be my "personal enrichment" time... not my computer time... but I consider rambling to be very enriching. lol I hope the schedule will at least help smooth out any personal problems I've been having... like chronic antisocial behavior for instance! :P

There's a lot of bad stuff that's been going down... but as an attempt to subvert the negative, I'll be brief. For one, the car that we took to Alabama has been sabotaged again and its getting more and more expensive to salvage. For two, my mother's step sister was murdered by her husband... frightfully, this is something that has occurred before in her family. I only hope that my future husband does not feel the need to rid of me in so sinister of a manner. The sadder part was that this woman had fought her whole life to live against endless ailments... only to be taken down by someone she thought had loved her.

My mind wonders and wanders with thoughts it won't expose
But binds up dark reverie in the constricted buds of rose
Such gloom rumination abates the life that there grows
And the bud seals with death imprisoning what it knows

forever to close
'til it goes...
with life's winter.

Gah, I've been in such a mood to write a song... but that's something for another post... and I only have music time scheduled in on Sundays... lol SCHEDULE IS MY MASTER! So it Root... but I'm not programming right now! haha

Ciao for now!

And the leezle should never be allowed to write after 2:00 AM!

2007-08-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

Hello all, and by "all" I mean the sexy voices in my head! I bet you didn't think I was still alive... but alas, I have managed to elude all your assignation attempts! MUAHAHAHAHA! Hopefully this will not be the last post you see from me this semester as I am making a point to exist again since I haven't for about a year or two. I promise to at least make a weekly pilgrimage to this pathetic blog. However, I will remind you that my promises aren't worth much... granted they are worth something. My promises are like pennies, really. They're worth something but not enough to make them useful... so mostly they get caught in the vacuum. I'm talking USA pennies though... because Canadian pennies ARE worthless... although they do make fashionable coin jewelry. lol

Soooo, I sadly spent my last week of freedom stuck in the deep south. My sister graduated August 11th with her Doctorate degree in psychology and we drove down to Tuscaloosa, Alabama for the ceremony. Lucky for us, we got there right when the south was having a heat wave... and so it was 107 degrees Fahrenheit WITHOUT heat index. On the way up, our car started shaking and smelling like burning rubber... we pulled over and the coolant was boiling. lol The car continued to overheat so when we got to Alabama, we took it to a mechanic who charged us way too much and didn't actually fix the problem. After the graduation, we all planned to drive up to Memphis where my sister is doing her internship and visit some more relatives bleh. As soon as we took off on the road, the car started shaking worse than before and overheating again. After stopping and starting about three times the car finally decided to cooperate. Suddenly, about halfway into our trip, something snapped and the car was shaking and roaring... it felt like we had a flat. Unfortunately, the south seems to be more desolate than Kansas and the closest place to stop is a little town called peppertown consisting of three CLOSED gas stations. Apparently this mecca of useless petrol facilities services the entire city's soda and newspaper needs because at least 50 people stopped by in the 30 minutes we were stranded there to buy soda from the pop machines and newspapers from the newsstand. Anyway, my mom and I got out of the car while my dad attempted to find some shade to park under when we heard a rattling that sounded like gravel in the hubcaps. My dad removed the hubcap and found that half the lugnuts had unscrewed.... pretty much, the wheel was falling off. The loose wheel caused vibration which in turn was causing friction and making the car overheat. Apparently, when my dad had got the tires rotated for our trip, the mechanic was in such a hurry that he didn't get the lugnuts in the threads and thus when he used the torque wrench to screw them in, he stripped the threads... so the wheel wasn't really being held on with anything. At this point I was suffering dehydration and a nice gentlemen whose car had overheated was talking to me about cars in an accent thicker than whole milk. Salvation came when my sister and her friend, Megan, showed up to help us out... after having left for Memphis two hours after us. lol Anyway, my dad manage to tighten the remaining lugnuts and we made it another 12 miles to Tupelo, Mississippi, before they too fell out. Tupelo, the birth place of Elvis Presley, seemed to be one of the creepiest places. At this point the entire wheel and the thingy it attaches to needed replaced so we decided that we would have to stay in Tupelo until a mechanic could fix it. All the while, we are standing in 107 degree heat and crazy people kept coming up and talking to us as is the custom in the south. lol Some man in a neckbrace with only one visible tooth approached me and tried talking to me but I couldn't understand what he was saying.... something about the police... O.O So anyway, there was a hotel right where we broke down. This hotel did not look right... there was two other broken down cars in front of it... one with a punctured tire, the other was covered in unfathomably large spider webs. The receptionist gave us a room on the back side of the hotel and it looked nice at first glance. While I was relaxing on the bed, Megan jumped up and shouted "OMG!" and then she reached for the pillow behind me to catch a creepy-crawly that was going for my head. I thought it was an isolated incident and so I tried not to get paranoid about bug attacks. So then I got up to go fill the dog's water bowl (the family dog was also traveling with us) in the bathroom sink, when I turned around, I screamed, launching the waterbowl, as I came face to face with the biggest spider I have ever ever ever seen in my entire life.... in all my years of entomology even! Everyone thought I was being bug-a-phobic until they saw it and produced similar reactions. It was the discovery of the first U.S. tarantula. lol My dad, the brave man he is, squashed it with his foot, that barely covered it. SPLAT!!! It squished orange goo everywhere. After further examination of the room, we realized that the room was already occupied... by a menagerie of spiders. Needless to say, we asked for a different room. Our next room was and remained creepy-crawly free! While sitting in the room my sister came in from the parking lot and remarked about sighting other cars with punctured tires and spider webs parked all around the building. Thus a new Stephen King novel was born... lol I still wonder about it... whether Tupelo is cursed and cars just break down there... or perhaps the hotel employees were popping tires to get more business... or more likely, a race of super spiders were biting the tires in order to keep their human-food right where they wanted it. I rode up to Memphis with my sister and Megan and my parents stayed in Tupelo to get the car repaired. Unfortunately, at my sister's I was subjected to hours of reality t.v. and have now lost what little ability I had left to speak English properly. We watched the show called "The Hills" and some other show about the promiscuous ongoings of real teenagers from upper class California. I thought, "They should make a reality t.v. about teens from Kansas!!!.... then again, the show would probably consist of Kansas teens sitting around watching the show about Californian teens... lol" Finally, we returned home after two extra days of sitting on my ass in Memphis! I never thought I'd be so happy to look upon the endless suburbs of Johnson County, KS. hehehe

Well, now I'm back in Manhattan, unpacking, re-organizing, and getting ready for the new semester... which starts on Monday. Hopefully more interesting posts are to come.... all I really wanted to do it tell everyone about the enormous spider. I realize how badly this is written... I'm very tired... *snore* lol But I figure I should quit procrastinating...

And then there was an update!

2007-06-23T15:39:00.000-07:00

Hello imaginary computer friends! I hope you all are living happily in your respective cyber lives... lol, kinda makes me wish I still rp'ed. Anyway, I don't have much to say... I haven't been doing much around Kansas City. I mostly have been working on getting back in shape... jogging in the morning/afternoon and basement dancing in the evening. My mother and I finally drove around town this week to the ballet academy, dance conservatory, and other dance schools. The academy said they would accept me and only charge $114 for a dance card which is pretty cheap.... BUT I don't know if I'm ready for human interaction again lol I sat and watched the class practice. I was the tallest person there... taller than all the instructors... *sigh* just like I am at the powwows even. Surely there is a school for big-boned dancers!?!?! lol I mean I'm only 5' 8" I miss having 6-foot-tall friends and roommates to make me feel pettite... and to give me a neck ache. lol Also, the ballet class was upper level and I didn't know if I could keep up since I'm out of practice. What's funnier... everyone kept mistaking me for a teenager. Hey, they should see me during the semester... I look forty then. lol I thought about doing ballroom dancing again... which is more just an excuse to hug and hold hands with strange men.... *giddy giggles* Meh, I wasn't meant for dancing... I was meant FOR LOOOOOOOOVE... but since that's not going to happen, I'll just do jingle dancing. I'm getting alot better at it and was gonna post a video real soon, as soon as the rest of my craft supplies ship from Canada.

Other than that, I've been working on plant care *rolls eyes* as usual. I'm growing crenshaw melons and pumpkins as well as tomatoes this year. Unfortunately, the bunnies got into the melons and did damage... rawr!!! Yesterday, I accidentally stepped on a bee while working in the garden. I'm not a fan of shoes so I was barefoot and got stung in the toe. lol I felt worse about killing the poor little beee. :( I really wish I could go somewhere though. I get restless with all this stagnance. I can't understand people who just want to sit and watch tv or play a video game. I say... "SIT WHEN YOUR DEAD! Get up and move around now!!!... LET US CRUSH THE INFAMOUS ONE"... oh wait, that was Voltaire. However, I think Carrie and I will be going on a farm tour tomorrow... lol... that's at least something, although I think her mom is going to be there. But I really need a travel buddy... I promise not to molest he/she ... much... hehehe. I will pay with desserts, pizza, and breads for said travel buddy... because these are the only things I know how to cook well and food seems to work as legal tender for college students. haha I will be going to Alabama in August for my sister's graduation... but anything involving relatives is akin to torture and imprisonment. lol I just want some normalcy... i.e. hanging out with strangers my age who actually want to do something. *sigh* I just want a life. Well in accordance with voltaire's quote "The secret of being a bore is to tell everything," I'll shut up and stop being boring. Maybe I'll go work on my comic strip... that's a topic for another post. ;)

And sometimes my dreams at night are vivid...

2007-06-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

From my hand-written journal... Excerpts of a Dream - June 8th

"And this is how it ended. Was it sunrise or sunset? I know not, only that the light was strangled by some coming or going, caught up in the arms of the horizon, smothered by tree-lines and hills. And this is how it ended. I knew you were going to leave... so I left first, with my steal back turned to you like a flank of armour in love's war... except I had no challenger, my heart just throws impotent blows at its own fort walls. I feel your shadows, though amorphous in the umbra of goodbyes... of comings and goings of the sun. They hang like dusty spectors whose cold spindle finger caress my spine. You're there... and yet no longer. If I turn to grab their sinister hands, their abysmal palms, there are hopes and chances as precarious as a silk thread to pull you through the darkness to the solar zenith... where there are no comings and goings... no prisoner landscape to snuff the fiery orb. No goodbye.

Feeling. I keep what feeling I've disintered from ancient ruins of self, from autobiographical statues crushed by time and careless, thoughless hands of men. I embellish the fabric of my dreams with its rare sparkle. I am good at detaching.. dropping from the branch like a restless leaf although the branch gave me life...
your shadows soon fade... your memory soon sussurates...

I push my face through rivers of curtains whos' pallid ,gossamer folds seem to drink the ambient light and burn with its sustainence. Their creases are endless and I fumble through white valleys to descry the view through the distant window. Outside, men of wax, contrived perfection, molded to mimic valor, melt beneath their own haughty blaze and reveal they are nothing; they lie about in pools of pretention. But I pander to them with smiles of equal insipid fabrication for as they are nothing so too am I...
your memory, I've buried in the dark places behind me.

Colorful feathers lie on the beach like garish pallets. Flamboyant as jewels, they twist with the breeze across the wind-carved grass and scatter over the water. I watch, mesmerized by their hypnotic glamour, and my heart chokes on the waves as each vivid yet frail feather crumples beneath the undulation of the tenebrous water. Their feeble bodies quickly submiss to the looming breakers. The room around me is muted hues, smoked with the expiring effulgence to a calm gray.
I lay in empty places.

Every image has its significance but this was just another dream I had to abandon with the darkness. I had fallen in love then I had let it go... for to free my heart from its own walls would emancipate a strangely, fiercly beautiful yet savage creature and threaten the calm for which I sacrificed my everything. Yet often I wonder if the cacophony of life often sings more dulcet then this silence.

Dreams are artisans of cruel questions, vices of beauty that leave reality to echo acrimony."

Blargh! Sentimental rambling... sorry, I can't help myself. Spring does this to me. :P It's rare I have romantic dreams... much less romantic dreams involving real people (I did have that one dream where I fell in love with a stranger who turned out to be an android lol)... so I guess I felt the need to document it. Although, I really just documented the end of the dream when me and my love-interest went our separate ways. It was a fun dream though... and at one point I got to play DDR lol It was happy... and somewhat realistic... but I'll never forget the way it felt to lie in that dim room looking out the window.

Soooo... I'll post a real update some other time. :P

And I like wind chimes when its really quiet at sunrise...

2007-06-03T00:38:00.000-07:00

This is the second night I've stayed up staring at the screen and lacking any clear and concise thought to write.

I woke up at 5 this morning and the moon was setting just as a youthful sun broke the horizon... the moon was full and golden, a spot of orange on a turquoise sky. It was one of those moments where I was unsure if I had awaken or not....... so I didn't get out of bed for the next 7 hours... lol

My parents are out of town and its a strange feeling to be somewhat alone in the house. I've seen Carrie often though. We went to a movie the other day and made pies earlier tonight while I drank many margaritas... :P

I feel a little distant, like my mind is someplace more utopic right now... where love is less like poetic theory and more a tangiblity, a kiss or embrace... where I'm more like a palm tree than a pear tree, bending with life instead of snapping beneath my own weight .. where my bananas are always ripe and I don't have to wait for ethylene to do its magic dance in the paper bag of mystery (alright, that wasn't metaphorical in any way... I really just want a good banana right now lol).

I think the full moon is making me crazy.... AAAAAAAARRRRWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I wish I had a campfire... it feels like I should have a fire tonight. And hugs... I miss hugs. I have more to talk about, really, but I just don't feel like it. It may have something to do with the fact that its 3:20 and I'm full of sleepy tequila. Or maybe...

....

I swear I'll post something better when I'm sober and its morning... and by morning, I mean "the morning when other people in my timezone are awake." lol

And sometimes I am rain...

2007-05-26T23:13:00.000-07:00

Would poets write of a silent rain? Would lacking this sensation devalue its beauty? Its drops are still visual wonders as shifting orbs in mid-air dances before impetuous crashes form ephemeral chandeliers that crumble to darken the dirt with their footprint. Rain's amorphous bodies still catch the secrets of the air and translate the aspects of the natural world into a language of perfume... breathing out the musks and spice of those it passes. And the feel... the indescribable feel. Cool... smooth... gentle. Like a small kiss that soaks into your flesh and stays with your skin, even when the hot wind pilfers its soft succor... for the memory infinitely lingers. Is this all for nothing when the rain acts in tacit ballet? My audience hesitates to tarry as I send no word at the fall of the curtain... but I am much more than soundless, I suppose. I am the stain left on the linen drape that tatters against the desiccating gale intruding through a forgotten open windowpane... an idea that rain had been but faded with the uncertainty that rain could be again and thus disregarded as the summer burns on. I will slight any preoccupation... there is always someone who will welcome rain even after its absence has seemed near to eternal, insensible and unempathetic. Yet one should consider that even rain needs rest... in halcyon tarns beneath the venerable and amiable company of shade.

Silly, silly leezle... hiding in the caves again! BAH! When will you learn that people are not out to steal your precious organs... well, maybe a kidney or two... but you could spare a few, right? Heeeeeello from non-existence! I meant to post at the start of summer but as soon as finals are over, the internet for the entire city of Manhattan loses function due to the large number of unoccupied college students overloading the server... and as for the internet in KC, KS where my parents live, the wonderfully obsolete pc's with internet are usually in use by my parents or moving too slowly for my tolerance level. :P And yes, I am making excuses.

I have been up to something but I really lack the words or at least the patience to tell you all what. I would rather do it with pictures.... HOWEVER, I cannot find the UPC cable to upload any. I am thinking that tomorrow I will go to fedex/kinkos and get them put on a disk so I can finally transfer them to the pc and then the internet. However, for a quick summary of events, I went to my cousin's graduation in Sioux Falls, SD. The only difference between South Dakota and Kansas... more granite, less limestone... better soil, more rain... stupider sounding accent... more Swedish/Norwegian/Dutch and Native American, less German. Of course, this opinion comes from the fact that I did not get to go to the fun part of South Dakota, i.e. the part with topography. Nevertheless, I truly appreciate the overall flatness of the U.S. plains... because I grew up here... and therefore am now afraid of heights. I also have been working on my powwow dance regalia. I went back to working on my new fan. I decided to take a break from beadwork and am working on thread wrapping... an even more ridiculously monotonous and tedious task that involves the stacking of threads until one creates a little mountain of thread. It is impossible to describe so I will post pics later. Other than that, I have been hanging out with Carrie on occasions. I was hoping to attend class at the super, super, super awesome Ballet Academy but I do not have the money for the tuition... I guess I will settle for something less prestigious like dancing around in the basement in my pajamas!

I saw yet another movie involving wineries this weekend... to add to my collection of Sideways, French Kiss, A Walk in the Clouds, etc. lol... and I'm dreaming of viticulture again... *sigh* Am I meant for research... or alcoholism? hahaha I filled out my application for a passport... again... and am wondering where I would go if I actually got a passport this time. The only other language I speak is Spanish... and I already have been to Mexico, granted I was only there for 3 hours. My friend says his favorite place in Europe was Luxembourg. I thought about going to the glorious fatherland... er, that is, my father's fatherland (Germany)... because my dad would be far more likely to fund an expedition there so that he could spend hours recounting the genealogy and historical significance of every rock and pebble... and we would all enjoy getting royally potted on Riesling. lol *le sigh* Or perhaps the Leezle was not destined for world travel. However, I have been reading the book "The World Was My Garden, Travels of a Plant Explorer" again and it always gives me hope that I will be so lucky to live so adventurously... after all, the author was a K-State University Horticulturalist, too. :P Unfortunately, Europe was much more affordable then. Afterall, any European is a rich man in Kansas now.

To dream...........

To romance *wink*............ but that is a whole other topic for another post... :)

And blah blah blah blah blah... OOOO, A DRAWING!

2007-04-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

Well, the second leading cause of suicide in the nation... was my last Chem exam. The department really shouldn't try to condense all of organic chemistry into one semester. Yet, I really shouldn't have done so well on my last exam because I couldn't live up to that... now whenever I think of chemistry I feel sick to my stomach with failure. Fortunately, there are only three more weeks plus finals week left in the semester. Most all of the work left to do is due next week so if I can survive next week then I can worry less for the remaining weeks.

My internship seems to be delayed YET AGAIN! *sigh* but at least I'll be able to stay in Kansas since there's a lot to be done here. I may try to follow the powwow circuit this summer and I wonder if I can start a late fruit and veg planting since I'll be around again to tend to it. I think I want to grow melons again or indeterminate tomatoes. I hope that I can get to go on an actual holiday (not just driving to someplace in Kansas). I miss hiking in Rocky Mountain National park. I can only go where my parents will go and they are conservative... I guess they already had their chance earlier in life to be adventurous but won't let me have mine. If I had someone with which to travel, then I could go somewhere more exotic... Carrie is the only person who comes to mind and she doesn't have vacation leave at her job. Oh well... some are meant for great things... and some are meant to spend their summer weeding melon patches by hand... lol *sigh* But I suppose I have to be patient... my Rachel, another lifetime Kansas resident, is enjoying life on the West coast now. Oooo, maybe I'll go visit her and we can tour California wine country! Which reminds me, I just got a new bottle of Sauvignon Blanc to try! *drools* I'm beginning to like Sauvignon Blanc as much as I like Riesling.

The recent problems with chemistry have disillusioned me a little. I've been trying to find ways to reattain a more positive outlook. I started to obsessively doodle in Nursery Management class today so I took it as a sign that I should draw something today. It's been so long since my hand has done anything but take notes. I wanted to draw some flowers but I could never decide what species so I just did another portrait. I love doing portraits... I miss having sleepy roommates that I could draw. lol I only just did a basic sketch with purple.. if I ever finish it (which unfortunately, I never usually do) I'll probably layer in other colors. Maybe I should attempt to reapply for that botanical illustration internship in California... its not lab work but it WOULD be fun :P... and I could start submitting to DeviantArt again then! :)

Well, I probably should sleep now... I've got a lot of work to do in the morning. Bah, I ramble too much... Inu Yasha was distracting me... sometimes this show is so hilarious. lol

And sometimes even beavers can be weapons of mass destruction. Look out, Bush may start a war against marmots!!!

2007-04-18T14:37:00.000-07:00

Well, wish me well on my Chemistry exam tonight. I am less than impressive with my recent lack of passion... at least concerning my passion for academics. My greatest downfall is my lack of trust in myself... I've been known to betray myself. Sometimes when I awake in the night, I can see myself standing over me with a knife... then I realize I left the door unlocked again and its just my drunken neighbor wanting to play pirates. hahaha I still have a few hours before the exam. I still need to review amides and memorize some pKa values. Next week will be my greatest trial. I have several papers and a large exam for which I need to study. I was much too lackadaisical all semester and I think I may have developed a habit.

But its spring now, and the sunshine makes for warmer feelings... and I crave something more than this methodical stagnation. Oh passport, why must you be sooo expensive! Oh, my heart, why must you be sooo aloof. Oh life, why must you be sooo tardy! Oh leezle, why must you be sooo overdramatic! lol On the bright side, my chemistry professor did show the class how to make a bomb using only some acid and a dead beaver. Afterwards he showed pictures of all the times his lab exploded or caught fire. Part of me is nervous about pursuing any chemistry in future schooling... its the part that doesn't want to be blown off. Hmmm, but it would offer some excitement to life.... kind of like when I worked for the biology department and my boss had me handle cyanide without gloves! Who doesn't love a good game of Russian roulette!

But who is to say I wouldn't have risked my life had a majored in Art... It did take me two years of painting before I realized I shouldn't mix colors like cadmium red or yellow on my hand. hahaha Even with all the years of exposure to toxic metals, I'll probably die from one to many head injuries.... which reminds me, the last bump on my head seems to have made the right side of my face go numb.... which will be useful if I ever get punched in the face again! lol

Alright, it is now 5:20pm so I probably should go study some before my test at 7:30pm... after the test ends at 9:30, I should be able to relax for a few hours before I have to start working on something else. AH, How I enjoy the brief moments when my heart isn't palpitating... or beating... hmmm, maybe that's tooo relaxed. hahaha

.:Todavía, creo en amor aunque mi corazón tiene nunca amar... pero todavía mi corazón sueña de algo... Serías algo?:.

And it took me until my third post to realize I was starting all my posts with "And"

2007-04-17T09:03:00.000-07:00

Esto es muy confundiendo. Tengo demasiados blogs . También, estoy escribiendo en español obviomente, porque necesito a practicar terriblemente. Recibí mi nota en química hoy en mi acertijo. El nota no era que terrible como creo que sería. Aye, es muy difícil escribir en español. He olvidado mucho que he aprendido. Voy a terminar ahora.

As I was saying, I got my grade on my chemistry quiz. It was better than I had expected... although I wasn't expecting much. I got a 26.5/30, which is the lowest score I have received on a quiz thus far but better than nothing. In fact, I originally thought my score was 14.5 and started having a panic attack. hahaha I had misread the scoring, luckily. I think I still had the second highest score in the class despite my careless errors. I have a the highest overall grade in the class, however. *pause for applause* Just kidding, if you applaud me, my ego grows and feeds on small children... and American children are just too high in cholesterol nowadays. My friend, Levi, says Dutch babies are delicious... but I think he was referring to some type of pastry at the time.

Sorry for the anger of the last post. Unfortunately, I wasn't lucky enough to be raped by the guildmaster's wife... instead, I went to private school and my punishment was to sit next to our ridiculously tone-deaf teacher while she sang hymns in chapel. I think God would have been LESS offended had she chosen not to sing. Although, in highschool, the teachers made me sit in the hallway when I didn't behave... which I loved because the tile hallways were always freshly waxed and I would run and slide down them! WEEEEEEEEEE!!!

The semester is coming to an end and I have a final project for Plant Nursery Management and Operations due next week... I haven't got much of a start on it. I decided to partner up on it thinking that that would make things go faster... but I forgot how much other students liked to cut corners. *sigh* Hopefully, I can find the ambition to complete it this Thursday and Friday. The good news is that I get to visit my family's land out in Randolph, KS for the project. I someday hope to live there... because I'll never be able to afford a house. lol I was going to construct some sort of a mud hut... until it rained... and then I was going to make mud-angels!!! Yet another reason I probably will never marry... men typically don't find women covered in twigs and dirt very attractive... suuuuure, it may SOUND sexy but next thing you know, you'll be finding mud in all sorts of odd... not to mention uncomfortable... places. hahahaha

I have yet to decide which blog I like better. My LJ is more private... and as a creature of the night, I appreciate this privacy... but this blog has the option of messing with the code... so someday I can have some CSS fun!!! I may just blog on every blog that I have... after all, each one serves its own purpose and possibly its own version of my personality... which is why some of my blogs must be more secretive.... for you're safety....
>.>
<.<
hehehehehe

And also, I learned from my many years at Xanga that there are some versions of me that the general public finds less than entertaining... so I take it upon myself to keep the more boring parts of Leezle hidden within the blog caves of the blog Misty Mountains... muahahahaha... such as the boring parts that like to use big words like syzygy and cacophonous and like to mix metaphors in ramblings of secret forbidden desires ;) *wink wink* Hey baby... *sexy growls* But actually those secret forbidden desires are more like something from Pride and Prejudice than Penthouse. There are already enough dirty thoughts on the internet to last a lifetime. hehehe

Well, I better get to class. Since I've learned absolutely nothing in this class, it would be a shame if I missed it... I then might miss the one day I COULD have learned something... but probably not. lol

And people wonder why I never like to finish anything...

2007-04-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

Things seem to be getting more arduous.
Also, my hands are so cold my fingers are locked up... I look like a second grader typing. lol

Anyway, my chem quiz is in less than three hours... and I have yet to figure out the second chapter... or read the third. Clearly, blogging about it is going to make me learn... or at least that's what happens in my fantasies. Fantasies are the same is reality, aren't they?!?! Just with less unicorn!
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Unicorn has been proven as the third leading cause of stupidity.

I have one more year of this... one more year... people are mean... work is hard... and my health is increasingly peculiar. Perhaps if I killed the mean people and ate them, I could absorb their strength and knowledge and everything would be fine. Huzzah, I have solved it... the answer to college is cannibalism!

Anyway, some student told me to "grow up" today, so I guess what he was saying is that its time I had sex and/or balanced my checkbook. Hmmm, I wonder if I could do both at the same time. It make not be safe to be writing with a sharp pen while all that thrusting is going on.

But seriously, what is grown up anyways. Just this morning, I said to the half-way normal looking individual in the mirror... "wow, you've really matured... into a shallow mindless adult!" And I think I now understand it. It's based upon the variable of fun. If you possess the creativity to easily entertain yourself and others without resources, i.e. having fun, then you are a child. If you can cope with the mind-numbing alternative entertainment... usually chemical or electronic... then you have digressed to the venerable state of adulthood.
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So I guess I just need more crack.

So, I'm off to study. Wish me luck. Hmmm, I wonder if Rickel's liquor will be open after the quiz... I have to get started on being more adult... also, margaritas are an SN2 reaction so it's kind of like studying. kind of. Actually, its more like me trying to kill the pain of the thought that I will someday be your friendly neighborhood Wal*Mart manager. Meh, at least I'll have benefits! Maybe I'll finally be able to go to the doctor and get that bullet removed from the time when I was trying to score some crack... wait, deja vu.

Studying....
"Damnit, I can't remember all this stuff about alcohols"
"Oh the irony... hahaha"

(Disclaimer: I don't really use crack because I don't need chemical alteration to see fairies and Jesus... we're already friends on messenger)

And just then I realized I still wasn't studying!

2007-04-10T21:00:00.000-07:00

I think this headache is just a reminder of where thoughts used to be... just in case I feel like making new ones in the future to replace them. For now, I'm going to channel all my energy towards winning the lottery. Clearly, I have learned the most important lesson college has to offer... your fucked; keep wishing.

To which my light-hearted response is: Damn straight! Maybe if I'm lucky, this headache is really an inoperable brain tumor... bent on world domination! Then all will remember me as "that one girl who's brain tumor killed the prime minister of Canada and conquered several parts of Europe... the sexy parts... like Luxembourg... or Belgium. Shut up, Luxembourg is totally sexy and you know it!!!"

Go study, RIGHT!
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Wait, what was I going to do again?