And then there was an update!

Hello imaginary computer friends! I hope you all are living happily in your respective cyber lives... lol, kinda makes me wish I still rp'ed. Anyway, I don't have much to say... I haven't been doing much around Kansas City. I mostly have been working on getting back in shape... jogging in the morning/afternoon and basement dancing in the evening. My mother and I finally drove around town this week to the ballet academy, dance conservatory, and other dance schools. The academy said they would accept me and only charge $114 for a dance card which is pretty cheap.... BUT I don't know if I'm ready for human interaction again lol I sat and watched the class practice. I was the tallest person there... taller than all the instructors... *sigh* just like I am at the powwows even. Surely there is a school for big-boned dancers!?!?! lol I mean I'm only 5' 8" I miss having 6-foot-tall friends and roommates to make me feel pettite... and to give me a neck ache. lol Also, the ballet class was upper level and I didn't know if I could keep up since I'm out of practice. What's funnier... everyone kept mistaking me for a teenager. Hey, they should see me during the semester... I look forty then. lol I thought about doing ballroom dancing again... which is more just an excuse to hug and hold hands with strange men.... *giddy giggles* Meh, I wasn't meant for dancing... I was meant FOR LOOOOOOOOVE... but since that's not going to happen, I'll just do jingle dancing. I'm getting alot better at it and was gonna post a video real soon, as soon as the rest of my craft supplies ship from Canada.

Other than that, I've been working on plant care *rolls eyes* as usual. I'm growing crenshaw melons and pumpkins as well as tomatoes this year. Unfortunately, the bunnies got into the melons and did damage... rawr!!! Yesterday, I accidentally stepped on a bee while working in the garden. I'm not a fan of shoes so I was barefoot and got stung in the toe. lol I felt worse about killing the poor little beee. :( I really wish I could go somewhere though. I get restless with all this stagnance. I can't understand people who just want to sit and watch tv or play a video game. I say... "SIT WHEN YOUR DEAD! Get up and move around now!!!... LET US CRUSH THE INFAMOUS ONE"... oh wait, that was Voltaire. However, I think Carrie and I will be going on a farm tour tomorrow... lol... that's at least something, although I think her mom is going to be there. But I really need a travel buddy... I promise not to molest he/she ... much... hehehe. I will pay with desserts, pizza, and breads for said travel buddy... because these are the only things I know how to cook well and food seems to work as legal tender for college students. haha I will be going to Alabama in August for my sister's graduation... but anything involving relatives is akin to torture and imprisonment. lol I just want some normalcy... i.e. hanging out with strangers my age who actually want to do something. *sigh* I just want a life. Well in accordance with voltaire's quote "The secret of being a bore is to tell everything," I'll shut up and stop being boring. Maybe I'll go work on my comic strip... that's a topic for another post. ;)

And sometimes my dreams at night are vivid...

From my hand-written journal... Excerpts of a Dream - June 8th

"And this is how it ended. Was it sunrise or sunset? I know not, only that the light was strangled by some coming or going, caught up in the arms of the horizon, smothered by tree-lines and hills. And this is how it ended. I knew you were going to leave... so I left first, with my steal back turned to you like a flank of armour in love's war... except I had no challenger, my heart just throws impotent blows at its own fort walls. I feel your shadows, though amorphous in the umbra of goodbyes... of comings and goings of the sun. They hang like dusty spectors whose cold spindle finger caress my spine. You're there... and yet no longer. If I turn to grab their sinister hands, their abysmal palms, there are hopes and chances as precarious as a silk thread to pull you through the darkness to the solar zenith... where there are no comings and goings... no prisoner landscape to snuff the fiery orb. No goodbye.

Feeling. I keep what feeling I've disintered from ancient ruins of self, from autobiographical statues crushed by time and careless, thoughless hands of men. I embellish the fabric of my dreams with its rare sparkle. I am good at detaching.. dropping from the branch like a restless leaf although the branch gave me life...
your shadows soon fade... your memory soon sussurates...

I push my face through rivers of curtains whos' pallid ,gossamer folds seem to drink the ambient light and burn with its sustainence. Their creases are endless and I fumble through white valleys to descry the view through the distant window. Outside, men of wax, contrived perfection, molded to mimic valor, melt beneath their own haughty blaze and reveal they are nothing; they lie about in pools of pretention. But I pander to them with smiles of equal insipid fabrication for as they are nothing so too am I...
your memory, I've buried in the dark places behind me.

Colorful feathers lie on the beach like garish pallets. Flamboyant as jewels, they twist with the breeze across the wind-carved grass and scatter over the water. I watch, mesmerized by their hypnotic glamour, and my heart chokes on the waves as each vivid yet frail feather crumples beneath the undulation of the tenebrous water. Their feeble bodies quickly submiss to the looming breakers. The room around me is muted hues, smoked with the expiring effulgence to a calm gray.
I lay in empty places.

Every image has its significance but this was just another dream I had to abandon with the darkness. I had fallen in love then I had let it go... for to free my heart from its own walls would emancipate a strangely, fiercly beautiful yet savage creature and threaten the calm for which I sacrificed my everything. Yet often I wonder if the cacophony of life often sings more dulcet then this silence.

Dreams are artisans of cruel questions, vices of beauty that leave reality to echo acrimony."

Blargh! Sentimental rambling... sorry, I can't help myself. Spring does this to me. :P It's rare I have romantic dreams... much less romantic dreams involving real people (I did have that one dream where I fell in love with a stranger who turned out to be an android lol)... so I guess I felt the need to document it. Although, I really just documented the end of the dream when me and my love-interest went our separate ways. It was a fun dream though... and at one point I got to play DDR lol It was happy... and somewhat realistic... but I'll never forget the way it felt to lie in that dim room looking out the window.

Soooo... I'll post a real update some other time. :P

And I like wind chimes when its really quiet at sunrise...

This is the second night I've stayed up staring at the screen and lacking any clear and concise thought to write.

I woke up at 5 this morning and the moon was setting just as a youthful sun broke the horizon... the moon was full and golden, a spot of orange on a turquoise sky. It was one of those moments where I was unsure if I had awaken or not....... so I didn't get out of bed for the next 7 hours... lol

My parents are out of town and its a strange feeling to be somewhat alone in the house. I've seen Carrie often though. We went to a movie the other day and made pies earlier tonight while I drank many margaritas... :P

I feel a little distant, like my mind is someplace more utopic right now... where love is less like poetic theory and more a tangiblity, a kiss or embrace... where I'm more like a palm tree than a pear tree, bending with life instead of snapping beneath my own weight .. where my bananas are always ripe and I don't have to wait for ethylene to do its magic dance in the paper bag of mystery (alright, that wasn't metaphorical in any way... I really just want a good banana right now lol).

I think the full moon is making me crazy.... AAAAAAAARRRRWOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I wish I had a campfire... it feels like I should have a fire tonight. And hugs... I miss hugs. I have more to talk about, really, but I just don't feel like it. It may have something to do with the fact that its 3:20 and I'm full of sleepy tequila. Or maybe...

....

I swear I'll post something better when I'm sober and its morning... and by morning, I mean "the morning when other people in my timezone are awake." lol