And if... what then...

I can't keep up with this life's pace. I am unable to push myself to work but yet I still manage to push myself over the edge in my mind... My potential is never kinetic when, in my mind, my entire life is uphill.

Intellectual prophets fall to their knees
everyone is prone to this life's disease
when greatness is lost to a greater pain
But withering old dreams lost to life's cold
leave hopeful branches, sprouting new dreams to hold.
One can learn to make greatness again...
from their own suffering.

It's a quiet defeat few can understand.
My heart is in permanent diapause for a spring that will never arrive... prisons of snow desiccate it beyond renewal. Freedom is in 34 days... but its like 34 days without water and sunlight. I've never been a hardy tree... just a ragged seedling destined to perish a day before the first rain. Even if I make it to that rain, another drought is sure to come.

I'll finally get to exhale after Tuesday... and then I'll start to hold my breath again for the Tuesday of the 29th. I should write a song called "After Tuesday" I haven't written a good song in about two years. I did write a mediocre one last semester... or maybe it was this semester...

This feeling is existential
This feeling of no potential
In the quiet of life where do we belong
In the shadow of a world that hears no song

The world grows without ever listening
Or caring that we're here just existing

(Sorry for being more whiny... maybe it was too soon to come back to my blog. Its been a rough time. I got some text messages from people that brewed some major negativity, renewed some old self-loathing, and invoked overall doom in my life... not to mentioned renewed my belief that I should never love or befriend. Also, my grandma had a heart attack and familial tensions arise. Lastly, I've been unable to concentrate on studying for yet another Physics exam... shortly after another veg crop paper and another human dimensions of horticulture exam and another physics exam and a veg crop final project and paper. I feel like every time I come up for air something pushes me back under. But I bought my graduation robes. Let's just hope I get to use them. I also got to see the sun briefly for the first time in days... and it was just as wonderful as I remember. I miss my friends, I miss the outdoors, and I miss life being uncomplicated. I miss liking myself and thus being able to like others. I miss being able to make people smile... but now I can't even smile. I just keep telling myself that there is an end to this and it will be worth it to make it to that end so I can be with my friends again, both pretend and real, both hominid and horticultural, both flora and fauna! For now I'll live vicariously through my facebook babies.

[[[I cut the section about tornado dreams because it was long, weird, and silly. But I saved it in a private post for a rainy day... or a stormy day for that matter. So if ya wanna read it, I'll magically make it re-appear with my blog powers. lol]]]

Anyway, enough of my 101 tornado dreams. I could analyze my dreams endlessly. In fact, I frequently have very interesting, insightful ones... the tornado dreams are not that interesting, just crazy. lol I have Physics homework and Physics studying to do... Bye Blog! Thanks for letting me talk.)

And maybe I'm just too sentimental.

I feel kind of bad right now... maybe I AM a whiny meanie-pants! SpongeLeezle WhinyMeaniePants! LOL, I need to draw that. It's just that everything I do is practically meaningless and upon entering the research field, much of what I will do will be meaningless as well. I greatly value both writing and reading since they are two things in which I take great pleasure... but I feel like I'm trapped in Plato's cave writing novels of shadows and not of the world I know exists behind me. And certainly, one cannot accurately define something with written word without having lived it... yet everyday I'm asked to do just that. Writing should only exist to preserve action, not precede it. Afterall, Burbank, Fairchild, and Maathai do not describe their publications and academic prowess in their bibliographies... rather, they described seeing and experiencing the wonders of life first-handedly. Writing papers does not make one great... it is the greatness that one achieves that inspires one to write.

The dilemma. Sentimentality. I weave attachments to everything. The boy in the library... without a spoken word, he became a significant definition to my early college life... a source of inspiration. A vast network of individuals who I have not even physically met or with which I have not shared a single vocalization are distinct facets to my self translation. And single plants hold likewise positions of gravity in my spirit. So of course, the land would be held at no less of a reverent status since my sentimentality does not discriminate according to manifestation. My grandma has concluded to sell the family land... and trying to understand her logic, perhaps she would like the dynasty to end with her... or perhaps she acquires less value from possessing it as she would from offering it up to the corporate wolves of the agriculture industry. Over two hundred years of sentimentality... to be bartered for momentary monetary increase. And my mother cringes at the circumstances of the Midwest... how it was forcibly taken from the Native Americans... only to lie mostly unwanted, unused, and vacant... or it is thoroughly exploited until it has no use, passed from owner to owner like an unacceptable orphan.

My father wants to purchase a small piece of the land... yet it is no different than buying a second home... and we have yet to pay off our first house. He has dreams of employing my horticultural knowledge for some recreation of "A Walk In The Clouds." After all, it'd be nice if someone in Kansas produced a wine that didn't taste like fruit punch or kool-aid. lol It's good land. There's an active spring on it and in rural Kansas, having water is almost as valuable as having oil. But my last ties to Kansas will most likely be sold... and I will most likely leave here and return infrequently. Although, as I joke with my sister, I'll probably name one of my imaginary future children "Kansas." LOL She likes the name "Shawnee," after Shawnee Mission, KS and the Shawnee Indians. Sadly, I've already discussed this very topic in a Xanga entry. hahaha My gaggle of imaginary children will all have names derived from Kansas locations, scientists, paint colors, and plant names. I have to include all my passions, after all! Anyway, I suppose this is goodbye to Kansas... like the moment when two friends realize they have grown apart and must rend. And I wonder now, is it the land who is orphaned, or is it I?

Anyway, I have yet another Vegetable Crops paper to write for tomorrow, another quiz tomorrow, and the dreaded Physics exam of next week for which to study. Thank you my pathetic little blog for affording me the opportunity to continue my reign as SpongeLeezle WhinyMeaniePants!

Dodadagohvi!,
The Leezle

And I truly ramble like a tumbleweed tumbles ^_^

This is something I've been meaning to do for a long time.... blog, I mean. *le sigh* But now that I am actually here, I don't know what to say. I've privatized all my Xangas because the government is currently doing a background check for my employer and I'm paranoid that the smallest, most insignificant statement made in my many years of pontification on Xanga could cause disreputable harm to my record. I don't think I've made too many errors in judgment on blogger yet, however. lol Thus, it still persists!

Most of the world has heard very little from me this semester due to excessive busy-work in Vegetable Crop Production and greatly due to the number and severity of Physics exams. Currently, I am still surviving Physics although at great expense to my health as I now have a stomach ulcer and high blood pressure. What a fabulous way to end my college education!... especially since I'll have no health insurance after graduating! lol I just had a Physics exam last week and I have yet another for which I'm unprepared at the start of next week. This semester has truly had nothing to do with education and everything to do with developing strength to endure extreme psychological abuse... I'm sure its difficult to understand how a Physics course could be abusive but believe me, it is. Alright, I'll quit complaining about school for now. :P Sorry, I just needed some cathartic blogging. hehe

I also got the insane idea that it would be good for me to go camping with people from the Student Farm Club after developing some strong antisocial tendencies again this semester. It was not... lol I just don't think I had the energy for that much social interaction since I've been so drained from studying. I need a good break from an academic life before I can yet again pursue a social one especially since I can never seem to find a balance between the two. I was, yet again, accused of being extremely selfish or self absorbed for not answering my cell phone when I'm busy studying. These accusations don't really mean much to me since I'm consistently told that I'm a bad person or not a good enough person... especially when I'm trying my hardest to be a better person (like going on a camping trip for instance when I clearly need to be studying). People will likely never be pleased with me, and I will likely never be pleased with myself so I really don't have much motivating me, now do I! lol My mother suggested that I just needed to find people with the same value in education, learning, science, etc. that I have in order for them to understand... and she also added that I probably won't find such people in America. hahaha (She's a professor so I think this statement comes from her frustration with her students... lol) But I did like camping and I do miss being social!

Sorry, I sound awfully bitter. Please understand that its just the insanity of being a short distance away from graduating. And as predicted, its the most difficult distance I'll ever have to travel. After all, I can never seem to finish the last few pencil marks of a drawing for fear of ruining what I've already accomplished... the same idea applies to all aspects of my life. Wow, this entry is much more negative than I expected *delete delete delete* <-- that's me erasing the next whiny paragraph for your sake. hahahaha (Especially since it was the dreaded "relationship" paragraph... *shudders* lol)

Let's end on something positive... I've been drawing again! Oh my goodness, I forgot how wonderful it is! It's like falling in love again after being alone for what seemed like an eternity. I would definitely molest my sketchbook if that wouldn't make me certifiably insane! ghehehehe Plus I have all these ideas for paintings buzzing around in my head and I want so badly to toss my physics book out the window and abscond with my easel to an undisclosed location for many many nights of brush-on-canvas love-making! *sexy growls* I remember when I was younger how oil painting was easier than writing for me. There is so little time to life, with so many obstacles and requisites, that it seems a race one cannot win. Plus I'm a pretty slow runner. lol Granted I may not be a great artist or even a good one but that makes me no less passionate. Oh noes, I actually referred to myself as an "artist"... someone call the art police! I mean... uh... I'm a doodler! I'm not the least bit pretentious, I swear! hahaha

Also, I've been reading and over-analyzing "The World Was My Garden" again. *super sigh* I would give a vital organ to live a life like David Fairchild's... preferably a kidney since I have a surplus lol I want to read Luther Burbank's biography but I don't think I'll ever find the time plus its probably less relevant since it's not about a K-State graduate. I also want to read Wangaari Maathai's book "Unbowed." (In case you haven't noticed, I've been living in the basement of the Hale Library stacks where they keep all the horticulture/agriculture books and biography's lol)

Speaking of reading, I need to get back to studying for my Human Dimensions of Horticulture exam tomorrow. lol, oops!