This is something I've been meaning to do for a long time.... blog, I mean. *le sigh* But now that I am actually here, I don't know what to say. I've privatized all my Xangas because the government is currently doing a background check for my employer and I'm paranoid that the smallest, most insignificant statement made in my many years of pontification on Xanga could cause disreputable harm to my record. I don't think I've made too many errors in judgment on blogger yet, however. lol Thus, it still persists!
Most of the world has heard very little from me this semester due to excessive busy-work in Vegetable Crop Production and greatly due to the number and severity of Physics exams. Currently, I am still surviving Physics although at great expense to my health as I now have a stomach ulcer and high blood pressure. What a fabulous way to end my college education!... especially since I'll have no health insurance after graduating! lol I just had a Physics exam last week and I have yet another for which I'm unprepared at the start of next week. This semester has truly had nothing to do with education and everything to do with developing strength to endure extreme psychological abuse... I'm sure its difficult to understand how a Physics course could be abusive but believe me, it is. Alright, I'll quit complaining about school for now. :P Sorry, I just needed some cathartic blogging. hehe
I also got the insane idea that it would be good for me to go camping with people from the Student Farm Club after developing some strong antisocial tendencies again this semester. It was not... lol I just don't think I had the energy for that much social interaction since I've been so drained from studying. I need a good break from an academic life before I can yet again pursue a social one especially since I can never seem to find a balance between the two. I was, yet again, accused of being extremely selfish or self absorbed for not answering my cell phone when I'm busy studying. These accusations don't really mean much to me since I'm consistently told that I'm a bad person or not a good enough person... especially when I'm trying my hardest to be a better person (like going on a camping trip for instance when I clearly need to be studying). People will likely never be pleased with me, and I will likely never be pleased with myself so I really don't have much motivating me, now do I! lol My mother suggested that I just needed to find people with the same value in education, learning, science, etc. that I have in order for them to understand... and she also added that I probably won't find such people in America. hahaha (She's a professor so I think this statement comes from her frustration with her students... lol) But I did like camping and I do miss being social!
Sorry, I sound awfully bitter. Please understand that its just the insanity of being a short distance away from graduating. And as predicted, its the most difficult distance I'll ever have to travel. After all, I can never seem to finish the last few pencil marks of a drawing for fear of ruining what I've already accomplished... the same idea applies to all aspects of my life. Wow, this entry is much more negative than I expected *delete delete delete* <-- that's me erasing the next whiny paragraph for your sake. hahahaha (Especially since it was the dreaded "relationship" paragraph... *shudders* lol)
Let's end on something positive... I've been drawing again! Oh my goodness, I forgot how wonderful it is! It's like falling in love again after being alone for what seemed like an eternity. I would definitely molest my sketchbook if that wouldn't make me certifiably insane! ghehehehe Plus I have all these ideas for paintings buzzing around in my head and I want so badly to toss my physics book out the window and abscond with my easel to an undisclosed location for many many nights of brush-on-canvas love-making! *sexy growls* I remember when I was younger how oil painting was easier than writing for me. There is so little time to life, with so many obstacles and requisites, that it seems a race one cannot win. Plus I'm a pretty slow runner. lol Granted I may not be a great artist or even a good one but that makes me no less passionate. Oh noes, I actually referred to myself as an "artist"... someone call the art police! I mean... uh... I'm a doodler! I'm not the least bit pretentious, I swear! hahaha
Also, I've been reading and over-analyzing "The World Was My Garden" again. *super sigh* I would give a vital organ to live a life like David Fairchild's... preferably a kidney since I have a surplus lol I want to read Luther Burbank's biography but I don't think I'll ever find the time plus its probably less relevant since it's not about a K-State graduate. I also want to read Wangaari Maathai's book "Unbowed." (In case you haven't noticed, I've been living in the basement of the Hale Library stacks where they keep all the horticulture/agriculture books and biography's lol)
Speaking of reading, I need to get back to studying for my Human Dimensions of Horticulture exam tomorrow. lol, oops!
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