And if... what then...

I can't keep up with this life's pace. I am unable to push myself to work but yet I still manage to push myself over the edge in my mind... My potential is never kinetic when, in my mind, my entire life is uphill.

Intellectual prophets fall to their knees
everyone is prone to this life's disease
when greatness is lost to a greater pain
But withering old dreams lost to life's cold
leave hopeful branches, sprouting new dreams to hold.
One can learn to make greatness again...
from their own suffering.

It's a quiet defeat few can understand.
My heart is in permanent diapause for a spring that will never arrive... prisons of snow desiccate it beyond renewal. Freedom is in 34 days... but its like 34 days without water and sunlight. I've never been a hardy tree... just a ragged seedling destined to perish a day before the first rain. Even if I make it to that rain, another drought is sure to come.

I'll finally get to exhale after Tuesday... and then I'll start to hold my breath again for the Tuesday of the 29th. I should write a song called "After Tuesday" I haven't written a good song in about two years. I did write a mediocre one last semester... or maybe it was this semester...

This feeling is existential
This feeling of no potential
In the quiet of life where do we belong
In the shadow of a world that hears no song

The world grows without ever listening
Or caring that we're here just existing

(Sorry for being more whiny... maybe it was too soon to come back to my blog. Its been a rough time. I got some text messages from people that brewed some major negativity, renewed some old self-loathing, and invoked overall doom in my life... not to mentioned renewed my belief that I should never love or befriend. Also, my grandma had a heart attack and familial tensions arise. Lastly, I've been unable to concentrate on studying for yet another Physics exam... shortly after another veg crop paper and another human dimensions of horticulture exam and another physics exam and a veg crop final project and paper. I feel like every time I come up for air something pushes me back under. But I bought my graduation robes. Let's just hope I get to use them. I also got to see the sun briefly for the first time in days... and it was just as wonderful as I remember. I miss my friends, I miss the outdoors, and I miss life being uncomplicated. I miss liking myself and thus being able to like others. I miss being able to make people smile... but now I can't even smile. I just keep telling myself that there is an end to this and it will be worth it to make it to that end so I can be with my friends again, both pretend and real, both hominid and horticultural, both flora and fauna! For now I'll live vicariously through my facebook babies.

[[[I cut the section about tornado dreams because it was long, weird, and silly. But I saved it in a private post for a rainy day... or a stormy day for that matter. So if ya wanna read it, I'll magically make it re-appear with my blog powers. lol]]]

Anyway, enough of my 101 tornado dreams. I could analyze my dreams endlessly. In fact, I frequently have very interesting, insightful ones... the tornado dreams are not that interesting, just crazy. lol I have Physics homework and Physics studying to do... Bye Blog! Thanks for letting me talk.)